As a psychotherapist based in West Hollywood, Los Angeles, I've spent nearly a decade providing therapy for men and personally exploring the intersection of masculinity and mental health. I've also attended therapy myself as part of my training, and this dual perspective has allowed me to deeply appreciate why therapy can sometimes feel intimidating for men and how to navigate this effectively.
the Masculinity Mindset and Mental Health PROBLEM
In my experience, therapy for men exists on a spectrum.
On one end, some men see therapy as casual, insightful conversations—a comfortable space for growth.
On the opposite end, many men experience therapy like stepping into enemy territory: intimidating, vulnerable, and even threatening.
I remember my first therapy session—I was firmly on the anxious end. Over time, with personal experience and professional training, I've gradually moved to the relaxed side. This shift is entirely possible for any man willing to explore their relationship with traditional masculinity.
But what makes it easier or harder for men to seek therapy or ask for help?
Why is Therapy for Men More Challenging for Some?
Masculinity significantly influences men's perception of therapy.
Our ideas about what it means to "be a man" are shaped profoundly by our families, cultures, and societal norms. In West Hollywood, standing on Santa Monica Boulevard with music, nightlife, and rainbow flags flying, you'll hear a very different perspective on masculinity compared to asking a Marine at Camp Pendleton.
Yet, despite these variations, many men grow up internalizing four unwritten rules of masculinity:
1. Bring Home The Bacon
Men often feel immense pressure to provide financially, sometimes at the cost of their emotional and physical health.
Many of my clients struggle under the weight of financial obligations, taking multiple jobs and sacrificing personal fulfillment.
Therapy offers a space to explore these pressures and helps men break free from harmful roles that no longer serve them.
2. Be The Mountain
Men frequently receive messages to never show weakness, vulnerability, or emotional pain.
It's not unusual for me to find out from male clients, that they are experiencing several significant life stressors on top of the situation that brought them into treatment, from divorce to death to financial strains.
This is normal for most clients, but men in particular are often surprised when I link these stressors to the current situation and explain the cumulative effect of them all.
It shows to me that men will 'suck it up' until it gets unbearable.
3. Don't Think Pink
This rule teaches men to reject femininity actively.
From childhood, men are subtly and overtly discouraged from engaging with anything considered feminine. Emotions, crying, and vulnerability get labeled as "feminine" and therefore unacceptable, which means therapy could be a 'no-go' zone until things are particularly tough.
This rule particularly impacts gay men and contributes to internalized homophobia, making therapy appear intimidating or threatening. More on therapy for gay men here.
4. Guns Are Great
Aggression and physical dominance are frequently portrayed as ideal masculine traits.
Men are conditioned early to resolve conflicts with actions rather than words.
This mindset often follows them into adulthood, negatively affecting relationships, careers, and overall mental health.
Therapy helps men learn healthier communication skills and manage aggression constructively.
How to Move Along the Spectrum Towards Positive Mental Health
Men seeking therapy in Los Angeles—or anywhere—can move along the spectrum toward comfort and openness by becoming aware of these unwritten rules and intentionally challenging them.
It's probably safe to say that every man or male-identified client agrees to some extent to each of the rules of masculinity, but how much is different for each person.
Here are a few ways therapy can facilitate this shift:
Recognizing and Challenging Roles
Therapy can help identify roles you may unconsciously hold, such as "breadwinner," which may be creating resentment or imbalance in your relationships. Understanding and negotiating these roles is crucial.
Normalizing Emotional Vulnerability
Expressing emotions openly can feel risky. Therapy provides a safe, judgment-free space to experience and communicate vulnerability without fear of shame or rejection.
Overcoming BIASES AGAINST FEELINGS
Learning that emotional sensitivity is a strength—not a weakness—allows men to embrace a healthier, more integrated identity. Therapy helps dismantle harmful stereotypes, making room for authenticity and self-acceptance.
Learning Constructive Conflict Resolution
Replacing aggression with communication and emotional intelligence can dramatically improve personal and professional relationships. Therapy equips men with tools to manage conflict without resorting to violence or suppression.
Finding the Right Therapist in Los Angeles
If you're considering therapy for men in Los Angeles, understand that seeking help is a courageous step. Choose a therapist who understands the nuances of masculinity and provides an environment where you feel safe to explore your emotions without judgment or pressure.
In my practice in West Hollywood, I create spaces that acknowledge the bravery in seeking support and gently challenge traditional masculinity in ways that foster genuine personal growth.
Final Thoughts
Understanding the unwritten rules of masculinity is essential for men seeking therapy and therapists who work with them. Recognizing how these rules impact your decisions and feelings toward therapy can transform your mental health journey.
If you're ready to explore therapy or learn more about navigating masculinity and mental health in Los Angeles, please reach out. You're not alone, and taking the first step toward therapy is one of the bravest things a man can do.
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