If you can’t tell your polycules from your primaries, or if you're wondering whether you're polycurious or just polysaturated, you're in the right place.
This is your crash course in modern love lingo, specifically around poly-relationships and consensual non-monogamy.
Monogamous Relationships: The Starting Point
We’ve traditionally been led to believe that you're either into monogamy or not. But what if that’s not the whole story?
Recent research gives us a better understanding into our desires around our partner preferences .
When we map these desires out, the way we think about relationships becomes far more complicated—and interesting—than the simple question of monogamy versus non-monogamy.
This non-monogamy chart and blog post will hopefully help you make sense of these diverse relationship structures.
Intimate Relationships: The Traditional Map
Monogamous relationships have long been the default model for romantic partnerships and the idea was that you were either into monogamy, or not.
At one end of this old scale we have a traditional monogamous structure in which an individual has only one romantic or sexual partner at a time, with the relationship being closed to any outside involvement.
If you were not so into monogamy, then the assumption was that you were only into more casual relationships.
It was like you had only two choices and had to pick a team.
This approach is limiting insofar as it doesn't take into account people that were into a committed relationship who also have a desire for more casual connections, or couples that have a desire to be in an open relationship.
It's all a lot more complicated than a binary decision.
The New Map Of Non-Monogamous Relationships
The new model that was just published in Personality and Individual Differences this year suggests though that 'monogamy' and 'casual relationships' aren't at either end of the same spectrum, but are actually two different scales that intersect.
This might sound complicated but it just means that a person can have either a high or low interest in being in a monogamous relationship - and as it's a spectrum they can be anywhere on it.
And there's a scale that measures your interest in more casual encounters or casual relationships.
This study proposes that we all have desires for monogamy and casual relationships to varying degrees.
If you're recoiling from the suggestion that you have a desire for casual relationships (or monogamy) it means doesn't mean that it's not truem it just means that you'revery low on the scale.
When mapped onto spectrums, the entire way we think about relationships becomes far more intricate than simply "monogamy or not."
Definitions: Non Monogamous Relationships and more:
Monogamy:
A relationship structure where an individual has only one romantic or sexual partner at a time. Imagine a solid boundary around the relationship, indicating it's closed to others.
Non-Monogamy:
An umbrella term encompassing any relationship structure that falls outside the traditional one-partner model of monogamy.
Consensual Non-Monogamy:
All partners know and agree that they're not in a relationship. It's crucial to note that cheating or infidelity is not consensual non-monogamy, as there's no consent involved.
Ethical Non-Monogamy
You might have heard the term 'ethical non-monogamy' before which is a synonym for Consensual Non-Monogamy. The choice of wording 'ethical' has a bit of judgement to it, like there's something unethical about a different option. Consensual has less of a negative connotation to it so it's more appropriate to use this term.
Cheating vs. CNM
Cheating occurs when one partner engages in romantic or sexual activities outside the relationship without the other partner’s consent or knowledge.
Mononormativity
Mononormativity refers to the societal assumption or belief that monogamy is the default, normal, or superior relationship model.
This dominant view society has places monogamous relationships as the ideal or most desirable form of romantic connection, often marginalizing or devaluing other relationship structures.
The Four Relationship Archetypes in the Non-Monogamy Chart
In the non-monogamy chart, people’s romantic and sexual desires can be mapped across two axes: the desire for long-term commitment and the desire for casual sex.
These dimensions combine to create four distinct relationship archetypes, each with its own characteristics and challenges.
Let’s break them down.
The Anchor: High Commitment, Low Casual Sex
The Anchor is someone who deeply values commitment and stability in relationships. They are invested in building a long-term, emotionally secure connection with their partner, often valuing traditional milestones like marriage, cohabitation, and family planning.
Partners of Anchors may feel a lack of excitement or spontaneity, especially if they have a stronger desire for novelty in the relationship.
Relationships Most Likely to Appeal to The Anchor:
Anchors are most likely into serial monogamy or monogamish relationships with only one person, where the focus is on building a life together with minimal outside romantic or sexual involvement.
The Yacht: High Commitment, High Casual Sex
The Yacht represents someone who wants it all: a committed, stable relationship but are also curious about exploring sexual experiences outside of that partnership along or with other couples. These individuals are adventurous, open to new experiences, and thrive in relationships that allow for both deep connection and external exploration.
If paired with someone more traditional, like an Anchor, a Yacht’s desire for exploration might lead to misunderstandings, mistrust, or even relationship breakdown. Additionally, Yachts may experience internal conflict if they struggle to reconcile their dual desires for both security and freedom.
Relationships Most Likely to Appeal to The Yacht:
Yachts are often interested in open relationships, where they can maintain a strong emotional bond with a partner while engaging in sexual experiences with others.
They may also find swinging appealing, as it allows for adventure while maintaining a committed primary relationship. Polyamory can also suit Yachts, particularly in hierarchical poly relationships, where there’s a clear distinction between primary and secondary partners.
The Seeker: Low Commitment, High Casual Sex
The Seeker thrives on adventure, new connections, and the excitement of short-term encounters. They enjoy the freedom that comes with avoiding long-term commitments and are more interested in casual sex or forming temporary connections with others.
The biggest challenge for Seekers is navigating societal pressure to enter long-term, committedd relationships. They may feel alienated or misunderstood by friends or family who expect them to "settle down."
Relationships Most Likely to Appeal to The Seeker:
Seekers are naturally drawn to casual relationships or hookups, where there’s no expectation of long-term commitment.
They may also engage in solo polyamory, where they maintain multiple relationships without prioritizing any particular partner. Non-hierarchical polyamory may appeal to Seekers as well, especially if they prefer relationships that don’t involve rigid commitments or expectations.
The Island: Low Commitment, Low Casual Sex
The Island values independence and self-reliance, often preferring to focus on personal goals like career, hobbies, or creative pursuits rather than romantic or sexual relationships. They may experience little desire for either casual encounters or long-term commitments, finding fulfillment in solitude or other non-romantic connections.
Islands may feel that they need to justify their choice to remain single or avoid relationships, especially in a world that tends to prioritize romantic partnerships. They may also struggle to connect with others who place a higher value on relationships.
Relationships Most Likely to Appeal to The Island:
Islands may find themselves uninterested in traditional romantic relationships altogether.
They may be drawn to relationship anarchy, where relationships are not prioritized or defined by societal norms, and connections are based on individual desires without hierarchy. Asexual relationships or platonic partnerships may also appeal to Islands, particularly if they seek companionship without romantic or sexual involvement.
Understanding Polyamorous Relationships on the Non-Monogamy Chart
To better understand how polyamory fits into the non-monogamy chart, let’s break down the different types of relationships and structures
Monogamish
Monogamish relationships are mostly monogamous, but allow for some degree of flexibility, particularly when it comes to sexual encounters with others. This type of relationship often operates with clearly defined boundaries and mutual agreements between partners.
Swinging
Swinging involves couples who, while maintaining a strong emotional bond with each other, occasionally engage in sexual activities with other people, often in social or event-based settings.
Open Relationships
In these non monogamous relationships, partners agree to allow sexual or romantic experiences with others outside of their primary relationship.
Open relationships can vary greatly in terms of rules and boundaries, depending on what works for the couple.
Polyamory
Polyamory refers to the practice of having multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships simultaneously. Poly relationships can take many forms, and they are generally based on open communication, honesty, and mutual respect among all partners.
Hierarchical Polyamory
In hierarchical polyamory, one relationship is considered the "primary" relationship, and there's a primary partner receiving the most time, energy, and commitment. Each partner knows about the other so there's mutual consent. Other partners, often called "secondary" or "tertiary," are acknowledged, but hold less priority.
Non-Hierarchical Polyamory
In non-hierarchical polyamory, all relationships are treated as equal, with no designated primary or secondary partners. Each person is aware of the other and space is given so each partnership evolves naturally, without one taking precedence over another.
Polyfidelity
Polyfidelity refers to a committed relationship structure where a group of two or more individuals are romantically and/or sexually exclusive with each other, but not with anyone outside the group.
This could involve a triad (three people), quad (four people), or a larger group.
Polyfidelity is similar to monogamy in its exclusivity, but it extends the commitment to multiple partners.
Solo Polyamory
Solo poly describes individuals who maintain multiple intimate relationships without prioritizing one as their primary relationship. Solo polyamorists often live independently, and they may not seek long-term cohabitation or shared responsibilities with any of their partners.
Relationship Anarchy
Relationship anarchy rejects traditional relationship labels and hierarchies, instead allowing all relationships—whether romantic, sexual, or platonic—to develop based on the desires and needs of the individuals involved. Relationship anarchists don’t prioritize romantic relationships over friendships and allow each connection to evolve naturally without predefined expectations.
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