If you're a parent to a teen or tween, it can be frustrating and worrying when your once-talkative child suddenly becomes a tight-lipped teenager.
You're not alone if you're wondering what to do when your teenager won't talk to you. This sudden change in communication is a normal part of adolescent development, but it doesn't make it any easier for parents to navigate.
If you're in California and looking for counseling, please check out these two pages for more about how I work with parents, teens, and families:
A Parent-Teen Communication Therapist!
I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist in Los Angeles, and I’ve spent close to a decade working with teens and parents and trying to help people grow great relationships.
As a teen therapist, I started my career as a school-based counselor and then worked in adolescent residential treatment centers. Finally, I became the clinical director of a treatment center in Malibu and created a program that specialized in helping families with teens, so I've learned a few tricks I'm happy to share with you.
Before you read on- here are some other pages you might want to explore:
Grounded Parenting: The Anti-Anxiety Parenting Course I created.
The PDF handout that accompanies the video is here.
So What CAN YOU Do When Your Teenager Won't Talk to You?
If your teenager won’t talk to you, the first thing you can do is examine how you approach conversations with them. In moments like these, focusing on what you can control is crucial. You can’t change their mood, their decision to be silent, or how they react. But what you can control is how you respond, the environment you create, and the behaviors you model. Consider your tone, your body language, and whether you’re offering opportunities for natural conversation rather than forcing it. Are you speaking in a way that invites connection, or does it come across as a lecture?
Next, think about what you can influence. You can’t make them talk, but you can influence the relationship by being consistent, calm, and patient. Offering support without pressure and letting conversations develop organically can often encourage a teen to open up over time. By focusing on what is within your control and what you can influence, you shift the dynamic from frustration and helplessness toward positive, intentional actions that create a more inviting space for communication.
REMEMBER YOUR ZONE OF CONTROL
Ten TIPS FOR What TO Do When Your Teenager Won't Talk to You
1. Less Is More: Keep It Short and Focused
Teenagers have an innate ability to sense when a conversation turns into a lecture, and once they pick up on it, they tend to disengage. Why? Because they’re already juggling numerous priorities—school, friends, extracurriculars, and social media.
When you finally manage to engage them, it’s tempting to unload everything you’ve been holding onto but resist the urge. Instead of covering every topic, focus on what’s most important and keep it brief. Respecting their time and space often leads to more effective communication, where less really does mean more.
2. Catch Them in the Right Moment: Let Conversations Flow
Some of the most meaningful conversations with teenagers happen when you’re not forcing the issue. If your teen resists scheduled heart-to-hearts, try waiting for more organic moments—during a car ride, while cooking together, or during another shared activity. These low-pressure settings allow discussions to unfold naturally.
When these moments arise, let the conversation flow without steering it too much. Being available without pushing too hard signals that you’re open to talking without overwhelming them.
3. Ditch the Life Lessons: Be Their Sounding Board, Not Oprah
One of the hardest habits to break as a parent is the instinct to teach and guide at every opportunity. While your experience and knowledge are valuable, teenagers don’t always want a solution or a lesson—they often just want to be heard.
If every conversation turns into advice or a lecture, they’re less likely to open up in the future. Focus on reflective listening instead: acknowledge their feelings without immediately offering advice or turning it into a teaching moment. Your role shifts from being their teacher to being a supportive listener, creating a space where they feel comfortable exploring their thoughts.
4. Zip It: Listen 90%, Talk 10%
Many parents express to me their deep concern that their teenager has stopped communicating or that they’re out of touch with what’s happening in their child’s life.
The key is to listen more and talk less, and that's because the less you talk, the more likely they are to open up.
The 90/10 rule is simple: listen 90% of the time and talk only 10%. Teenagers feel more comfortable sharing when they’re the ones guiding the conversation. By giving them this space, you’ll often be surprised at how much more they open up.
5. Avoid Criticizing Their Friendships
At this stage in development, friendships are central to your teenager’s life. Criticizing their social circle is a quick way to shut down communication. Even if you’re not thrilled about their friends, jumping in with judgment usually backfires.
Instead, approach the topic with curiosity. Ask questions like, “What do you enjoy about spending time with them?” or “How do they make you feel?” By taking a step back and maintaining an open-minded attitude, you’ll learn more about what’s going on in their world, while keeping the lines of communication open.
6. Respect Their Social Image
Teenagers are hyper-aware of how they’re perceived by their peers. If you’re too involved in their social dynamics—constantly asking for updates or trying to be overly friendly with their friends—it can feel embarrassing and invasive.
Striking a balance is key. Give them space to manage their social life independently while remaining subtly present if needed. By doing so, you show respect for their autonomy, which ultimately strengthens your relationship and keeps them coming to you for support.
7. Give Them Space: Let Privacy Build Connection
Independence is crucial during the teenage years, and one of the most effective ways to nurture your relationship is to respect their need for privacy. This doesn’t mean giving them total freedom, but allowing age-appropriate autonomy builds trust and fosters communication.
When teenagers feel like they’re under constant scrutiny, they’re less likely to open up. Ironically, giving them space often leads to them sharing more. Letting them choose when to talk increases the chances of more meaningful conversations.
8. Stay Steady: Support Without Getting Swept Up
Teenagers can be emotionally unpredictable—one moment, they’re joyful, and the next, they’re in distress. As a parent, it’s natural to be concerned, but your steadiness is what they need most.
Being a consistent, calming presence helps them feel secure. If you’re too reactive or get drawn into their emotional turbulence, it can feel overwhelming to them. By staying grounded, you provide the stability they need, making them more likely to turn to you when things get tough.
9. Build Trust, Not Walls: Keep Their Confidence Sacred
Trust is the foundation of open communication. When your teenager shares something personal, it’s crucial not to use that information against them later. If they feel like their trust is being violated, they’ll be reluctant to confide in you again.
By keeping their confidence sacred and respecting their privacy, you create an environment where they feel safe to open up. This respect for their boundaries is what ultimately brings down walls and leads to more honest conversations.
10. What to Do When Your Teen Is Upset
When your teenager is visibly upset, the instinct to step in and fix things can be strong. However, acting on that anxious urge often does more harm than good. Instead, take a step back and ask them what they need in that moment: do they want help solving a problem, someone to listen, or just quiet comfort?
By asking rather than assuming, you empower your teenager to articulate what they need, giving them control over their emotions while allowing you to provide the right kind of support. This reinforces the trust and autonomy you’ve been building.
The PDF Version of this infographic is here:
Why Your Teenager Won’t Talk: 10 Key Reasons Explained
1. Teens Are Seeking Independence and Privacy
Adolescence is a time when teens naturally start craving independence. They begin to see themselves as separate individuals. They may feel a need to protect their thoughts and feelings from parental intrusion. This shift often leads to reduced communication as they explore their identity away from the family unit.
2. Fear of Judgment or Criticism
Teens may avoid talking because they fear being judged or criticized, especially if they’ve made a mistake or feel ashamed. If they’ve previously been met with harsh reactions or a “lecture” when opening up, they might choose silence over confrontation.
3. They Feel Overwhelmed by Emotions
Teenagers are navigating intense emotions due to hormonal changes, social pressures, and academic stress. Sometimes, these emotions are too overwhelming to put into words. They might shut down rather than risk saying something they’ll regret.
4. Communication Feels Like a Lecture
If every conversation turns into a lecture or a long list of parental advice, teens will quickly tune out. They don’t want to feel like they’re being talked at rather than talked to. Striking a balance between listening and offering guidance is critical.
5. Struggles with Mental Health
Mental health problems such as anxiety and depression are increasingly common among teenagers. These conditions can make it difficult for them to express their thoughts and emotions. Recognizing signs of mental health struggles is critical to providing the right support.
6. Teens Are Testing Boundaries
Pushing boundaries and asserting control are typical behaviors during adolescence. Ignoring communication is sometimes a form of resistance, allowing teens to feel more in control of their environment.
7. Conflicts and Tension at Home
Household conflicts can create a tense environment where teens feel uncomfortable opening up. If arguments or unresolved tension linger, teens might retreat into themselves as a way of coping.
8. Peer Influence and Social Pressures
Friends and social circles heavily influence teenagers. They may prioritize peer opinions over parental guidance, leading to reduced communication at home. Additionally, the fear of not fitting in can cause them to withdraw from family discussions.
9. They’re Not Sure How to Express Themselves
Even if they want to communicate, many teens struggle with articulating their thoughts. The pressure to find the right words, combined with fear of being misunderstood, often leads them to avoid conversations altogether.
10. They’re Trying to Protect You
In some cases, teens don’t want to burden their parents with their problems. Whether it’s school stress, relationship troubles, or body image issues, they might stay silent because they believe their worries are too much for you to handle.
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